The past few weeks have been filled with such a wave of emotions that I feel kind of like I'm riding an insane roller coaster that is simultaneously shoving joy and fear down my throat and I just have to hang on and try not to vomit. It's like the adoption equivalent of gestational diabetes. You know it will stop when you get to bring your child home, but are stuck dealing with it in the mean time. And every adoptive parent I know has felt this so it's not a unique experience, just a new one. I feel like I go from zero to SUPER emotional in less then 60 seconds.
I got PA (happy happy day)
Home study trucking along (Woohoo! Life is great!)
FBI prints still not here (WTH)
Home study not quite finished (annoyed, annoyed, annoyed)
Home study can be finished this week (Woohoo! What was I thinking? Life is amazing!)
Prints still not here (depths of despair)
And I know it will go on, and on, and on right up until Gotcha Day and there is NOTHING I can do about it. In fact, it is only going to get worse. As a control freak I find this disconcerting. As someone who loves my friends and family I'd like to apologize in advance for any wild mood swings that occur over the next 7-9 months. I'd over compensate for it with comfort food but I have to fit comfortably into an airplane seat in the Fall so please feel free to tell me to go away until then.
There is a lot of fear that goes along with adopting. I worry about paperwork getting lost. I worry about attachment (a LOT). I worry about money. I worry about getting everything done in time. I worry about money. I worry about how he will react on Gotcha day. I worry that he will freak out and I won't be able to comfort him (which is a real possibility). I worry about money. I worry about what his room should look like. I worry about bringing him clothes that fit (like he'll care). I worry about natural disasters or Avian Flu delaying the process. I worry about whether or not he will like me. I worry about accidentally drinking unboiled water during travel and having to use a squatty potty. And I worry about money.
That's a lot to worry about.
So when it gets to be too much. I step away. I watch a 2 minute video of my little guy running and bouncing and smiling and laughing. And I remember to breathe.