Monday, August 13, 2012


I had a dream last night that Jack Donaghy gave me 


It was for unspecified reasons (although I’m sure it was all completely aboveboard and not at all shady).  He gave it to me in increments of 50,000 cash, enclosed in 99 cent pencil cases from Target (okay that part was kind of shady).  Clearly one of two things must be true.

Thing 1: I am about to receive a gift of 11 million dollars from the fictional head of GE television and microwave programming

Thing 2: I watch entirely too much television

I’m going to go with Thing 1 because in that scenario I also get to meet Tina Fey (also, I'd have 11 MILLION DOLLARS).   I’ve totally been practicing how to act so I don’t just try to smell and hug her like when Liz Lemon met Oprah (“Liz Leeeemmmmmooooooonnnnnnnn”).  In my head I mostly just laugh like a lunatic at everything she says. It's weird how even in my head I act like an idiot around famous people. 

Did I mention that I might watch too much television?

In other news, it’s been over a week since I’ve seen either Mad-Eye Moody or Lolita, so they have either been foiled in their attempt to eat our cat food by our cleverness (aka moving the chair so they can’t get on the table), or they are off making a slew of tiny, ugly babies.  And I swear to you if they roll up in a multicolored bus singing Come On Get Happy I am moving...somewhere (without opossums)

Monday, July 30, 2012

The Niece, The Myth, The Legend

My niece is many things.

She is five. She is OBSESSED with horses (seriously, yesterday she wore her riding helmet all day and "rode" her plastic horses around). She is both incredibly excited and incredibly nervous about starting Kindergarten next week. She is freakishly tall for her age. 

But above all those things she is...

Naturally Skinny

This is a condition that I had previously believed only existed in Mary Higgins Clark novels (naturally skinny heroines always wear trousers and do their hair in chignons).  It is not a condition I am personally familiar with.  In fact, until she came into our lives as a very bald, very serious, and very tall 10 months old I didn't believe that naturally skinny people actually existed.

It seemed a myth. Like Bigfoot, or Yeti, or people who found Michal Bolton attractive.

Imagine my surprise when I first encountered her saying "I'm full" half-way though an ice cream cone.  Seriously?  Who stops eating an ice cream cone? 

Naturally Skinny People...that's who.

Today my sister and I had to go to Target to exchange a skirt for her because the size Small that my mom bought her was too big.  And not a little too big, it was HUGE on her.

So we had to get an Extra Small.

The last Extra Small item I bought was the mini blizzard at Dairy Queen....

don't judge me

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

A Tale of Two Opossums

Here we are on Wednesday night and I was just thinking how awesome it is that I haven't seen Mad-Eye Moody since his second appearance on Friday, when I wander over to let the dog out and


That's me, screaming to myself, because I'm home alone being besieged by opossums.

Translated this means: "Well oh my, it appears that there a opossum on the porch and dear me it is definitely NOT my nemesis Mad-Eye Moody"

Are you impressed that I can tell opossums apart?

Well I can and here is my slightly grainy iPhone camera proof!  You'll have to pardon the shakiness of the the photos but the rush of adrenaline at the site of a opossum leaves me unable to hold my phone steady (and probably with the strength to lift a car above my head but since the cars were outside I clearly couldn't test this theory out)

First up Mad-Eye Moody. (notice how extra huge and creepy he is) 

Enter the new opossum (I'm gonna have to assume that she is his Lady Love)


She is way smaller, and has two working eyes. If my sister were home she would come up with a clever name for her. I don't have time for that because I have to go teach the dog to pee in the toilet since there is a ZERO percent chance that I'm opening the door to let him out! Then I have to go hide.

Did I mention that I'm home alone?

Also I'm afraid my now public disregard for nature is really going have a negative impact on the chances of me marrying Cowboy Josh....bummer

And since moving doesn't seem like a valid option I have decided I need to go to bed earlier thus limiting my chance of seeing a romantic tryst between Mad-Eye and his Lady Love. 

Ignorance is bliss people

(but if any sweet opossum lovin' starts happening I am so out of here)

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Mad-Eye Moody

 Picture the scene:  It’s Thursday night in mid-summer.  The heat has been incredible all day and by midnight my sister and I are being our usual awesome selves.  You know, sitting on our asses watching Downton Abbey and imagining ourselves on the show (side note why do I always picture myself as an Anna rather than Lady Mary?)  Anyway the dog had been whining at the door since the last time Lady Mary and Matthew gazed at each other longingly across a room so I hauled myself off the couch to let him out.  I snapped on the light and was just about to open the door when a shriek emitted from my sisters mouth, the likes of which I hadn’t heard before.  It sounded something like this


Translated this means: Hey Jesse, don’t be alarmed but there is an opossum outside so don’t let the dog out unless you want him to be attacked.

Yep, GIANT opossum sitting on the table outside the window chowing down on the cat food we keep out there.

But this wasn’t just any opossum, this was a HUGE, ugly, freakish opossum with one little beady black eye and one dead eye. 

Noelle promptly named him Mad-Eye  Moody (which I initially refused to call him but have since come to accept)

In our sisterly relationship Noelle is in charge of all things related to nature (bugs, spiders, reptiles, rodents, pigs, etc) so she was in charge of scaring the thing away since clearly I wasn’t going to step foot on the porch.   But as she walked over to the door she suddenly recalled a news story she had read earlier that day about 2 girls in Tennessee (or Kentucky, or West Virginia…it was definitely in one of the states) who were attacked by a rabid beaver earlier in the week (seriously Google it, it happened).  Anyway as she recalls this story she turns to me and says “what if it has rabies and runs inside when I open the door?”

Such a helpful statement don’t you think?

After some quiet shrieking on my part (it would do no good to wake my niece) I cowered behind the couch as she opened the door (an inch) and slammed it shut repeatedly to drive Mad-Eye away.

After a much needed Facebook status update I went to bed.

The next night…he was back.

Stupid opossum. 
Stupid MALE opossum.

With big hairy opossum balls that have touched my table, and chair, and deck.

We need to move