Knowing all of that I decided to enter the world of Domestic adoption. I completed all the paperwork and made my profile book and sent it all of in hopes that a birth mother would see it and pick me....
No one ever did. It sucked. A lot. And every time my profile was shown I would tell myself not to get my hopes up (but I did), and not to think about the child (but I did), and not to dream about the child (but I did).
And every time I was rejected I told myself not to take it personally....but I did. Oh, I did. And I would begin to analyze every picture and word in my profile. And my self-esteem, well it took a flying leap off of the Empire State Building and smeared itself all over the intersection of 5th Avenue and 34th Street. Because those profiles are personal, very, very personal so rejecting it meant rejecting me. There was something they saw in it that made them say no. Was it my clothes, or weight, or hair, or house? I don't know but for two years I watched friends have children and I still didnt and so I was finished. I have this theory that the female psyche can only handle a finite amount of rejection over the course of a lifetime and I had reached mine.
But then my niece turned six, which is significant only in that it opened the doors to China for me as a single woman. And my thoughts turned to Chinese orphanages and little kids with my nieces dark hair and almond eyes. But I didn't say anything. To anyone. For months. Until the beginning of a New Year, and I felt ready to start a new journey. So I started back down the paperwork trail. I started looking for grants to apply for and fundraisers to start.
And I started looking at files. Files of little boys with special needs that didn't seem all that special to me. And one Tuesday night, at 11:30pm, my sister texted me from her bedroom downstairs to tell me there were new kids on my agencys list. And just like that. With the click of a button and a few taps on the ipad I fell straight into the eyes of this boy.
And suddenly it all seemed worth it.