I often imagine that waiting to get THE call from my adoption agency saying that I've been chosen by a birth mother is akin to that 3 minutes you have to wait between peeing on the stick and seeing that little pink line.....times, like, a million!
And in the months since my papers became official at the agency I've only had one of these moments. At the beginning of a 12 hour car ride I got an email about a "situation" (as they call them), asking if I would be interested in the birth mother viewing my profile (Duh). And even though I knew I shouldn't, my mind shifted into overdrive and I had this baby in my arms, in my life, and in my heart almost as soon as I pressed send.
This could be it, this could be my daughter, this stranger on an email could be tied to me forever through adoption.
I told five people about the email. Five people who I knew would keep it close to their hearts. Who wouldn't ask me 15 times a day if I'd heard anything yet. Five people who I consider family, even though three of them technically aren't. Five people who I know will be a part of my daughters life.
And after the longest weekend of my life, I had to tell those five people that I hadn't been chosen. That the little girl who had lived in my imagination wouldn't be coming home to me. That this was not THE call, simply A call.
And again I imagine it's like waiting for that line to turn pink, for the test to say yes, for those three minutes to change your life forever.
So while I wait for my turn, for my pink line, for my life to change forever I'll continue my endless dreaming, my imagining, my wondering....and I'll try very, very hard not to pee on any sticks (because I really don't think it'll help).