There is one piece of paper that I am still waiting on before my dossier is complete.
There is absolutely nothing I can do but wait. There is no one I can call to harass. No way to track the paper. No real way of knowing when it will arrive other than the knowledge that it is averaging between 4-6 weeks for a response....although rumor has it that it is taking even longer.
In the interim I am spending most of my time obsessing about the mail. When will it get here? Will the paper be delivered today? Should I check? Should I check again? Should I sit in the driveway and wait? Should I check again. Even though I looked 20 minutes ago and there has been zero activity on the street since then. (By the way, the answer is yes, of course I should check again).
When I'm not obsessing over the mail I obsess about the calendar, which is even more awesome. My inner monologue goes something like this...
If the paper gets here today do I have enough time to get it Notarized, Certified, and drive to Atlanta by 4:30?
If YES, then can I make it back home in time to overnight it to the consulate in Texas by A?
If NO, then it won't get to Texas until B.
If it gets to Texas by A, then I should have it back by C. If it gets to Texas by B then I should have it back by D.
If I get it back by C then it can be overnighted to my agency by E, but if I don't get it until D then it will be at the agency by F.
My agency only sends to China on Friday so depending on what day of the week E or F lands on it will either go THIS Friday or THAT Friday.
If it goes to China on THIS Friday then I might get a LID of G, but if it goes to China on THAT Friday then my LID might be H.
If my LID is G then my LOA could be J, but if my LID is H then my LOA could be K.
If my LOA is J then...
And it goes on. Through every step and paper and average wait time all the way through my imagined Gotcha Day.
And then I check the mail (again) and the paper is not there and I start counting again.
And even though I know that each day the paper doesn't arrive only pushes me back 1 day (or 2 if its the weekend) I start over.
EVERY. DAMN. TIME.
It is exhausting. Mentally, emotionally, just exhausting . But when I try to sleep at night I just can't. I read until I can't keep my eyes open, I play games on the ipad, I watch way too much TV. I stay up until I am certain that I will immediately fall into a deep and dreamless sleep.
But my head hits the pillow
My mind starts racing
I start counting
How many days since I first saw his picture?
How many days until I get to hold him?
How many days until his birthday?
How long will I have him home before he has lived with me longer than he lived in the orphanage?
Logically I know that it will happen. Financially I know that each day and month I wait is another month to save money. Faithfully I know that He has a plan for me.
But math is hard.
And I'm tired of counting.