Numbers

There is one piece of paper that I am still waiting on before my dossier is complete.

One

ONE

There is absolutely nothing I can do but wait.  There is no one I can call to harass.  No way to track the paper.  No real way of knowing when it will arrive other than the knowledge that it is averaging between 4-6 weeks for a response....although rumor has it that it is taking even longer.

In the interim I am spending most of my time obsessing about the mail.  When will it get here? Will the paper be delivered today? Should I check? Should I check again?  Should I sit in the driveway and wait?  Should I check again. Even though I looked 20 minutes ago and there has been zero activity on the street since then. (By the way, the answer is yes, of course I should check again).

Fun right?

When I'm not obsessing over the mail I obsess about the calendar, which is even more awesome.  My inner monologue goes something like this...

If the paper gets here today do I have enough time to get it Notarized, Certified, and drive to Atlanta by 4:30?

If YES, then can I make it back home in time to overnight it to the consulate in Texas by A?

If NO, then it won't get to Texas until B.

If it gets to Texas by A, then I should have it back by C.  If it gets to Texas by B then I should have it back by D.

If I get it back by C then it can be overnighted to my agency by E, but if I don't get it until D then it will be at the agency by F.

My agency only sends to China on Friday so depending on what day of the week E or F lands on it will either go THIS Friday or THAT Friday.

If it goes to China on THIS Friday then I might get a LID of G, but if it goes to China on THAT Friday then my LID might be H.

If my LID is G then my LOA could be J, but if my LID is H then my LOA could be K.

If my LOA is J then...

And it goes on.  Through every step and paper and average wait time all the way through my imagined Gotcha Day.

And then I check the mail (again) and the paper is not there and I start counting again.

And even though I know that each day the paper doesn't arrive only pushes me back 1 day (or 2 if its the weekend) I start over.

EVERY. DAMN. TIME.

It is exhausting.  Mentally, emotionally, just exhausting . But when I try to sleep at night I just can't.  I read until I can't keep my eyes open, I play games on the ipad, I watch way too much TV.  I stay up until I am certain that I will immediately fall into a deep and dreamless sleep.

But my head hits the pillow

My mind starts racing

I start counting

How many days since I first saw his picture?

How many days until I get to hold him?

How many days until his birthday?

How long will I have him home before he has lived with me longer than he lived in the orphanage?

How many...

How many...

How many...

Logically I know that it will happen.  Financially I know that each day and month I wait is another month to save money.  Faithfully I know that He has a plan for me.

But math is hard.

And I'm tired of counting.

Choices

I generally get one of two reactions when I tell people that I am adopting.

Reaction One usually involves smiles, congrats, and (in many cases) squealing and wiping away happy tears when I show off Jonah's picture (my boy is cute y'all).

Reaction Two is often a quick glance at my ring finger to see if I'm married.  A slight pause.  And then (usually) the appropriate smiles, congrats, and squeals of excitement.

But then there was yesterday. Yesterday I got a reaction I've never had before.  It went a little something like this...

Other Person:  "Is there anything new happening in your life?"

Me:  "Yes, actually, I'm adopting a little boy from China."

Other Person:  searching for a wedding ring that isn't there and asking:  "Are you married"

Me:  "No"

Other Person:  "What's wrong with you"

(end scene)

My initial reaction was stunned silence, and I really, really wanted to say something obnoxious, and sarcastic, and just plain mean, back to this other person, what I said was "I don't know". 

Then I went home and imagined exactly what I would have said if I had a little bit more chutzpah and a little less class.

But seriously, this motherhood, this single motherhood, is something that I am choosing.  It's not a second thought, not a reaction to a biological clock, not a desperate cry for attention, and not a result of a relationship that didn't work out.  I'm not wearing rose-tinted glasses.  I don't imagine that it's going to be easy.  But it is a choice. A good choice.  My choice. 

Being a mother is the only thing that I ever knew for sure that I wanted.  Growing up I didn't know what kind of job I wanted (still don't for that matter).  I didn't know where I wanted to live.  I didn't know what type of car I wanted to drive or what type of house I wanted to live in.  What I did know, with absolute certainty, is that I wanted to be a mom.

That I was born to be a mom.

That I was going to be a kick-ass mom.

And no, I'm not married.  And yes, lots of people think that's a bad thing.  But I'm okay with that.  And I'm okay with letting others think that.  Because I'm about to make all of my dreams come true. 

And as for you, Other Person.  Well, you can suck it. 

(what can I say, class is overrated)

Ipad Mini Raffle

My big fundraiser for my adoption is a raffle.  I have a brand new ipad mini to raffle off to one lucky winner. I am hoping to raise a total of $8,000 through this raffle, a number which can absolutely be reached! 

Tickets are $10 each or 3 for $25.  You can purchase through paypal by clicking the donate button on the right. I also have tickets I can mail out, or deliver in person, if you prefer to do things the old fashioned way!

For those of you wondering how you can help, here's your chance, I have packets of tickets for anyone interested in helping to sell. 

The drawing for the Ipad will be on June 2nd at my church and you do not have to be present to win.  I will deliver the ipad, or get it in the mail, to the winner on June 3rd. 

I am so excited about this journey to motherhood and hope you will consider buying a ticket.

Thanks so much!

Jesse (and Jonah)

Fundraising

The idea of fundraising for an adoption can be a controversial topic.  There are people who love it, people who hate it, and both groups are liable to give their opinion whether you want to hear it or not.

People who hate it argue that adopting is the same as giving birth and you don't see any pregnant woman out there fundraising for their impending delivery.  Some people think that the idea of fundraising is in poor taste and that you shouldn't even be thinking about adopting if you can't afford it, and anyway you should just work for it you lazy bastard (okay that last part might be a bit off)

But the truth of the matter is that adoption is not the same as giving birth.  And, aside from a few lucky individuals who have the means to pay for adoptions outright (I'm looking at you Brangelina), the average family does have to scrimp and save and apply for loans or grants, and fund raise, to make their adoption dreams come true.

Not having given birth myself I can't be sure, but I am fairly certain that the average pregnant woman doesn't have to walk into the delivery room with thousands of dollars in cash (new bills only please) to pass out to each person assisting in the birth.  Likewise, the average pregnant woman doesn't have to pay for flights, and hotels, and travel expenses to the hospital.  There are no immigration papers to file, fingerprints to be had (over, and over, and over), no translation fees, no courier fees, no agency, fees.  

Adoption is just expensive.  Stinking expensive.

I am a public school teacher, a profession not known for large salaries (I do it for the kids y'all...also, summer vacation).  I also work a part time job, have picked up two different summer teaching positions, have painted rooms, watched dogs, and picked up people's mail when they are out of town.  I am not afraid to work, and work hard to make money.  But all that still isn't enough.  As such I have been, and will be fundraising for my adoption.  Not because I want a free handout, not because I don't want to work hard, but because that's what I have to do to bring my son home.

Because I'm a mom.  And there is nothing I wouldn't do for that little boy.

Up and Down

The past few weeks have been filled with such a wave of emotions that I feel kind of like I'm riding an insane roller coaster that is simultaneously shoving joy and fear down my throat and I just have to hang on and try not to vomit.  It's like the adoption equivalent of gestational diabetes.  You know it will stop when you get to bring your child home, but are stuck dealing with it in the mean time.  And every adoptive parent I know has felt this so it's not a unique experience, just a new one.  I feel like I go from zero to SUPER emotional in less then 60 seconds.

I got PA  (happy happy day)

Home study trucking along (Woohoo! Life is great!)


FBI prints still not here  (WTH)

Home study not quite finished (annoyed, annoyed, annoyed)

Home study can be finished this week  (Woohoo! What was I thinking?  Life is amazing!)

Prints still not here (depths of despair)

And I know it will go on, and on, and on right up until Gotcha Day and there is NOTHING I can do about it. In fact, it is only going to get worse.  As a control freak I find this disconcerting.  As someone who loves my friends and family I'd like to apologize in advance for any wild mood swings  that occur over the next 7-9 months.  I'd over compensate for it with comfort food but I have to fit comfortably into an airplane seat in the Fall so please feel free to tell me to go away until then.

There is a lot of fear that goes along with adopting.  I worry about paperwork getting lost. I worry about attachment (a LOT).  I worry about money.  I worry about getting everything done in time.  I worry about money.  I worry about how he will react on Gotcha day.  I worry that he will freak out and I won't be able to comfort him (which is a real possibility).  I worry about money.  I worry about what his room should look like.  I worry about bringing him clothes that fit (like he'll care).  I worry about natural disasters or Avian Flu delaying the process. I worry about whether or not he will like me.  I worry about accidentally drinking unboiled water during travel and having to use a squatty potty.  And I worry about money.

That's a lot to worry about. 

It's exhausting.

So when it gets to be too much.  I step away.  I watch a 2 minute video of my little guy running and bouncing and smiling and laughing.  And I remember to breathe. 

To China With Love

The journey to adoption is never an easy one and mine has been longer, and more complicated, than some. I started about three years ago when I was sure that I was destined to adopt internationally.  I looked at multiple country programs and nearly followed through with one, but I always had reservations.  Some small part of me that was unsure of my decision.  I finally decided that my hesitation came from my program of choice.  After all, my desire to be a mother has never wavered, but I often pictured myself with an infant and in the international adoption world infant placements are not common.  Added to that the fact that I would be adopting as a single mother,  I was pretty much guaranteed to adopt an older child.

Knowing all of that I decided to enter the world of Domestic adoption.  I completed all the paperwork  and made my profile book and sent it all of in hopes that a birth mother would see it and pick me....

No one ever did.  It sucked.  A lot.  And every time my profile was shown I would tell myself not to get my hopes up (but I did), and not to think about the child (but I did), and not to dream about the child (but I did).

And every time I was rejected I told myself not to take it personally....but I did.  Oh, I did.  And I would begin to analyze every picture and word in my profile.  And my self-esteem, well it took a flying leap off of the Empire State Building and smeared itself all over the intersection of 5th Avenue and 34th Street.  Because those profiles are personal, very, very personal so rejecting it meant rejecting me.  There was something they saw in it that made them say no.  Was it my clothes, or weight, or hair, or house?  I don't know but for two years I watched friends have children and I still didnt and so I was finished.  I have this theory that the female psyche can only handle a finite amount of rejection over the course of a lifetime and I had reached mine.

But then my niece turned six, which is significant only in that it opened the doors to China for me as a single woman.  And my thoughts turned to Chinese orphanages and little kids with my nieces dark hair and almond eyes.  But I didn't say anything.  To anyone.  For months.  Until the beginning of a New Year, and I felt ready to start a new journey.  So I started back down the paperwork trail.  I started looking for grants to apply for and fundraisers to start.

And I started looking at files.  Files of little boys with special needs that didn't seem all that special to me.  And one Tuesday night, at 11:30pm, my sister texted me from her bedroom downstairs to tell me there were new kids on my agencys list.  And just like that.  With the click of a button and a few taps on the ipad I fell straight into the eyes of this boy.

And suddenly it all seemed worth it.

Dreamweaver

I had a dream last night that Jack Donaghy gave me 

11 MILLION DOLLARS

It was for unspecified reasons (although I’m sure it was all completely aboveboard and not at all shady).  He gave it to me in increments of 50,000 cash, enclosed in 99 cent pencil cases from Target (okay that part was kind of shady).  Clearly one of two things must be true.

Thing 1: I am about to receive a gift of 11 million dollars from the fictional head of GE television and microwave programming

Thing 2: I watch entirely too much television

I’m going to go with Thing 1 because in that scenario I also get to meet Tina Fey (also, I'd have 11 MILLION DOLLARS).   I’ve totally been practicing how to act so I don’t just try to smell and hug her like when Liz Lemon met Oprah (“Liz Leeeemmmmmooooooonnnnnnnn”).  In my head I mostly just laugh like a lunatic at everything she says. It's weird how even in my head I act like an idiot around famous people. 

Did I mention that I might watch too much television?

In other news, it’s been over a week since I’ve seen either Mad-Eye Moody or Lolita, so they have either been foiled in their attempt to eat our cat food by our cleverness (aka moving the chair so they can’t get on the table), or they are off making a slew of tiny, ugly babies.  And I swear to you if they roll up in a multicolored bus singing Come On Get Happy I am moving...somewhere (without opossums)