Dignity and Grace

There have been moments in my life when I have handled events with both dignity and grace...Today was not one of those days.

Let me set the scene for you.

It all started at 6:12am when I woke up to an email that I had received my consulate appointment in China as well as my "gottcha day" date. This was followed by much texting and quiet celebrating since I didn't want to wake the rest of the house.  And then to work where many a celebratory woohoo and hug occurred.  Students were on a 2 hour delay due to the extreme cold (12 degrees Georgia...this is not ok). Someone brought me Starbucks (thanks Hallie), many kids were absent, and it was a generally pleasant day.

Fast forward to 2:55 when my dad calls and says that I may want to stop by the house because they just had pipes burst at the church and my sister mentioned a frozen pipe this morning.  So I stroll to my room, grab my things and drive home.  

What I walked into was nearly indescribable.  Water was pouring out of the attic with such force that I could have easily shampooed and fully rinsed my hair under it.  The carpets were so wet they had turned an entire different color and the water in the kitchen was at least an inch and a half deep. My poor tiny dogs were soaking wet (what with being trapped in a flooded and freezing kitchen and all).  I found myself incapable of rational thought so I did what I always do in times like these.

I called my daddy.

No answer

I called again

No answer

I call the church where I blurt out "it's Jesse, is my dad there my house is flooded and I don't know what to do"

Luckily the secretary answered and got my dad who told me to turn off the water at the street and that he would be there ASAP.

I go to the street and wander back and for for a moment because I realize I have absolutely no clue what I'm looking for.

I call one of the teachers I work with but he had already left school.

My dad calls back and describes the water access panel and has the forthought to tell me to get some plyers.  I managed to get the metal plate up and plunged my hand into a hole full of icy water to try and find the knob....no luck

My dad calls again and suggests I call my cousin (who's new husband has a company with a plumbing department).  I make the call again and poor Liza tells me to turn off the water.  I'm sure my reply was something like "BUT I DONT KNOW HOW AND MY DAD ISNT HERE AND I NEED WILLIAM TO HELP ME". (This is where both dignity and grace start to leave me in droves) Liza calmly assures me that she will call William and I hang up.

And then I dropped my phone in the hole of icy water.

I DROPPED MY PHONE INTO THE WATER

seriously?

From there things pretty much spiraled. I got the phone. But I couldn't remove the case on account of my frozen hands and the massive amounts of adrenaline that are by now coursing through my body.  Then I can't remember re which way to turn the valve (lefty loosey.....but do I want to loosen or tighten....ahhh).  Plus it was really hard to turn, but I did manage it right as my dad pulled up.  

And he found the leak.

And I cried a lot

And friends came over for moral support and to wet vac

And I cried a lot

And William called (bless him when he asked if I had called my home owners insurance ppl I replied "no William I've mostly just been crying").

And then I cried some more

But we got rid of a lot of water....but there is still a ton (the carpets still make a squishy noise when you walk on them)

And the only loss of property was a puzzle (sorry Aunt Barbara I owe you one).

Tomorrow begins the repairs and finding out what all needs to be replaced.

Silver lining I will hopefully be in China for most of the repair work.

And I'm thankful for my family and friends who, even when I lose my dignity and grace, still love me and can still make me laugh (yes I know if spent 16 hours shampooing the carpets last week friends, the irony isn't lost on me.)

It's been quite a day but I keep reminding myself that I will have Jonah in my arms in 13 days and that makes the massive flood seem not all that bad!

                     (My kitchen floor is not that shiny....that's water people)

The longest wait.....

It's Day 6 of my wait for travel approval and this last stretch is definitely the hardest.  Even knowing that once I get my TA it could be weeks and weeks before I go isn't as hard as knowing I could have weeks more of waiting for this.

Once it arrives I can plan, and organize, and make lists.  I can count down the days until he will be in my arms.  I will KNOW when I am leaving.  I will be able to answer the question "so when are you going to bring Jonah home".  

I've been asked that for 10 months.

And for 10 months I've said "I don't know"

But, boy oh boy do I want to KNOW!

Until that day comes I am trying to remind myself to enjoy this time.  Enjoy sleeping in, and naps, and quiet time.....

.....and also checking my email 27,000,000 times a day

In the meantime, if you are still interested, I am still accepting donations on Jonah's behalf.  All money donated will be used directly to cover the cost of the adoption fees that still need to be paid once I am in a China.

Donations can be mailed directly to Lifesong for Orphans, PO Box 40, Gridley, IL 61744.  Lifesong has been blessed with a partner that underwrites all U.S. administrative and fundraising costs (TMG Foundation and other partners).  That means that 100% of your donation will go directly to the adoption.   Checks can be made out to Lifesong for Orphans (Note: Please include Keener #3881 on the memo line).

Donations are also accepted online at www.lifesongfororphans.org/give/donate/.  Select "Give to an adoptive family".  Complete the online form and fill in "Family Account  Number" (3881) and "Family Name" (Keener) fields.  Note: PayPal charges an administrative fee (2.9% + $0.30 USD per transaction).  Your donation will be decreased by the amount of this fee.

All donations are tax deductible.  Following IRS guidelines, your donation is to the named non-profit organization.  This organization retains full discretion over its use, but intends to honor the donor's suggested use.  Individual donations of $250 or more and yearly donations totaling $250 or more will receive a tax-deductible receipt.  Receipts for donations under $250 will gladly be sent upon request. Lifesong is a 501(c)3 tax exempt organization.  

Thank you again for all of your thoughts and prayers during this process.  I cannot wait to introduce Jonah to you all!!

An Update

It's been awhile since I updated everyone and it hasn't been from lack of activity.  Since my last post I have had my i800 processes through immigration, received my all important GUZ number from the National Visa Center and had all of Jonah's visa papers dropped off at the US Consulate in Guangzhou (article 5)

While I know that waiting for my Article 5 paperwork to be picked  up and sent to Beijing takes 2 weeks (at the very LEAST), I have spent the past ten days obsessively checking my email and plotting out possible travel dates.

It has not been good for my mental health.

Or for my friends and family (sorry friends and family)

It would seem that each new step takes exponentially longer than the last (even though each step has gotten faster and faster).  

The process of getting my dossier ready for China took 8 months which is an unusually long time.  In retrospect the past ten days began someone around the dawn of time.

But it am closer! So very much closer.  

Once my Article 5 gets picked up I wait for Travel Approval which can take anywhere from 2-4 weeks (recent, super short, travel approvals have come through in the past week which make me alternately ecstatic  and terrified).  Esctatic because I can't wait it bring my boy home, and terrified because HOLY COW I AM GOING TO BE WHOLLY RESPONSIBLE FOR ANOTHER PERSON!!!!!

After Travel Approval arrives I will be given my consulate appointment date and, most importantly, my GOTTCHA DAY!!!!

The timing of this is very up in the air.  There are a lot of holidays between now and the end of January which could push travel back into February or (gulp) even March.  I honestly have no idea when I will go.  I know that the timing will be perfect.  I know that the later I go the less time I will have back at work before summer.  I know that there are tons of other people in my same boat, waiting for those few available days on January to bring their babies home.  I know he is healthy, and happy, and loved where he is.  

But mostly I know that he is MY son and that I want him home!  (I mean look at that smile...can you even, just ahhhh!)

In the meantime, if you are still interested, I am still accepting donations on Jonah's behalf.  All money donated will be used directly to cover the cost of the adoption fees that still need to be paid once I am in a China.

Donations can be mailed directly to Lifesong for Orphans, PO Box 40, Gridley, IL 61744.  Lifesong has been blessed with a partner that underwrites all U.S. administrative and fundraising costs (TMG Foundation and other partners).  That means that 100% of your donation will go directly to the adoption.   Checks can be made out to Lifesong for Orphans (Note: Please include Keener #3881 on the memo line).

Donations are also accepted online at www.lifesongfororphans.org/give/donate/.  Select "Give to an adoptive family".  Complete the online form and fill in "Family Account  Number" (3881) and "Family Name" (Keener) fields.  Note: PayPal charges an administrative fee (2.9% + $0.30 USD per transaction).  Your donation will be decreased by the amount of this fee.

All donations are tax deductible.  Following IRS guidelines, your donation is to the named non-profit organization.  This organization retains full discretion over its use, but intends to honor the donor's suggested use.  Individual donations of $250 or more and yearly donations totaling $250 or more will receive a tax-deductible receipt.  Receipts for donations under $250 will gladly be sent upon request. Lifesong is a 501(c)3 tax exempt organization.  

Thank you again for all of your thoughts and prayers during this process.  I cannot wait to introduce Jonah to you all!!

(P.S. If any of you have the skills to photoshop a T-Rex into the background of that picture it would totally kick ass!)

Because You've Asked

After waiting for 50 grueling days I got the news that my paperwork has been approved in China!!  Once I receive a hard copy of my Letter of Approval I will begin the next set of paperwork.  The next few steps happen in a bit of a flurry but the long and the short of it is that I should travel in the next 8-12 weeks.  Of course, I'm hoping for sooner rather than later!

This journey has not been an easy one, but I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel!  I definitely don't think that it is a concidence that I will likely travel around Christmas time.  You see, for the longest time (over 3 years) I always imagined that I would be bringing home an infant girl.  I imagined her, dreamed of her, heck I even decorated a bedroom for her.  And every week I would pray in church for my daughter to come  home to me.  For those of you who have seen Jonah's picture...clearly there was a different plan for me!

Last August I prayed the same prayer I had prayed countless times..."Lord please bring me daughter home to me".  Only on that August day I heard a distinct reply.  "You know I had a son". To say I was shocked is an understatement and so I ignored it (I'm only human after all).  For months I ignored that voice.  For months I continued to pray for a daughter only to hear that same reply: "You know, I had a son".

Week after week.

Prayer after prayer.

Until I finally took the hint, and wouldn't you know it.  Almost as soon as I made the decision to switch, I found my boy.  And his birthday was in August.....

So here I am, so close to bringing him home that I regularly veer from overwhelming excitement to complete panic (there is so much left to do).  But I am ready for this, ready for him, ready for my son.

People ask me all the time about the money side of adoption (don't worry, it doesn't offend me).  Adoption is expensive.  Wicked expensive.  And I've worked extra jobs, and saved all I could, and held fund raisers and garage sales. And I have been BLESSED.  Since I started in February I have paid over 10,000 toward this adoption outright without having to charge anything.   I was also hugely blessed by a interest free loan through Lifesong for Orphans.  With all of that work, and all of those blessings I still have a ways to go before I can fully fund this adoption.  Part of my partnership with Lifesong includes an account that they have set up in my name to accept donations on my behalf.  I am looking at about $8,000 more to finish covering my adoption costs and $8,000 is a lot of money!  It is my hope that I raise and save enough by November 30th (just in case I get to leave on the earlier side of my timeline)!

Donations can be mailed directly to Lifesong for Orphans, PO Box 40, Gridley, IL 61744.  Lifesong has been blessed with a partner that underwrites all U.S. administrative and fundraising costs (TMG Foundation and other partners).  That means that 100% of your donation will go directly to the adoption.   Checks can be made out to Lifesong for Orphans (Note: Please include Keener #3881 on the memo line).

Donations are also accepted online at www.lifesongfororphans.org/give/donate/.  Select "Give to an adoptive family".  Complete the online form and fill in "Family Account  Number" (3881) and "Family Name" (Keener) fields.  Note: PayPal charges an administrative fee (2.9% + $0.30 USD per transaction).  Your donation will be decreased by the amount of this fee.

All donations are tax deductible.  Following IRS guidelines, your donation is to the named non-profit organization.  This organization retains full discretion over its use, but intends to honor the donor's suggested use.  Individual donations of $250 or more and yearly donations totaling $250 or more will receive a tax-deductible receipt.  Receipts for donations under $250 will gladly be sent upon request. Lifesong is a 501(c)3 tax exempt organization.  

Any and all donations would be gladly appreciated.  But even more than the donations I ask for your prayers in the coming weeks.  Prayers that paperwork will be processed quickly.  Prayers for safe travel.  Prayers for my patience during this time of waiting.  And mostly. prayers for Jonah.  He is about to experience the biggest change of his two year old life and I pray that he transitions home with acceptance and love and the assurance that he will be loved and cared for by a mom who already loves him more that she could have ever imagined.

Thank you

Jesse

Yeah!! (So now what)

At 10:20 this morning I got the following text from my Assistant Principal

"I just saw the FedEx truck heading into the subdivision"

You see, she knew I was waiting on my last piece of paper for my dossier and her office happens to have a view of the road leading to my house.  (Side note: this is how you know you work in the best school ever)!

By 10:50 I was at the bank picking up the cashiers checks I needed to send in with my dossier and by 11:30 I was at my local Quik Pack and Ship.

When I walked in the door I was greeted by this message from the man behind the counter

"Wow, that package just got to your house this morning, you are quick" (side note, this is how you know your local store is better than any big box store)

So now it's in the mail.  I felt, all at once, a sense of relief and terror at the moment I handed it over.  For a few iffy moments I thought I was on the verge of either passing out cold, or hugging a stranger and crying into his flannel shirt.

I held it together.

(Winning)

So now the big question is what's next?   When do you go get him?

And the short answer is still "I don't know".  There are lots of steps between now and my traveling.  So here's what I'm waiting for, and what I'd welcome prayers for.

My dossier now has to go to China where I wait for it to be logged in, translated, reviewed, and approved.  When all that happens I will get a Letter of Approval (LOA).  Right now this can take anywhere from 30 to 150 days to receive.

Once I receive LOA, I can request updates!

At that point I will file more paperwork with immigration.

Once that is done and in China I wait for my travel approval.

It seems that the average time between submitting dossiers is anywhere for 4-8 months, but it can always be longer (or shorter).

I am praying for a January travel date and for all paperwork to go smoothly.

So that's where I am.

1 step closer, and a million miles away.

Happy Birthday

Tomorrow is my boy's birthday. 

He will be 2 years old.

That means he's spent 730 days without a family. 

It sucks.

A lot.

And I considered spending tomorrow wallowing in self pity (it involved eating copious amounts of cake and ice cream). 

Like I priced ice cream cakes (killing two birds with one stone...like a BOSS).

But then I remembered how much I dislike whiners, and "poor me's" and debbie downers.

So I decided that tomorrow would be different.  Tomorrow I would celebrate adoption, because it is the miracle that will make me a mom.

My first step was to text my friend Jennifer.  Her family is in the process of bringing Jonah's future best buddy home from Ethiopia.  They are incredibly fortunate to get weekly updates of their boy.  Since I can't request updates from China yet, I requested (or demanded...whatever) that Jennifer send me her newest picture tomorrow.  Seeing another little boy who is getting ready to come home will make this mamas heart smile.

Step two will involve a very large group of friends gathering at the airport tomorrow evening to welcome Chloe (and her very tired parents) home from China.  Chloe's journey to her forever family has been a very long and difficult one, and I imagine a sea of happy tears when we finally seem them step through those security gates.

Step three is to make a donation to my sister who just joined Team Teresa for the Disney Princess Half Marathon weekend (for the record, she is running a 5K, while I will be running around after a 2 year old and a 7 year old...hopefully). 

Step four is prayer, lots of prayer.  Prayers of thanks for all of the blessings adoption has brought into my life.  Prayers for safe travels.  Prayers for orphans still waiting for their forever family, and for the forever familes who are waiting to bring them home.  And then I will pray, with all my heart, that next year I will get to spend Jonah's birthday with him snuggled up beside me.

And with cake, lots and lots of cake.

Numbers

There is one piece of paper that I am still waiting on before my dossier is complete.

One

ONE

There is absolutely nothing I can do but wait.  There is no one I can call to harass.  No way to track the paper.  No real way of knowing when it will arrive other than the knowledge that it is averaging between 4-6 weeks for a response....although rumor has it that it is taking even longer.

In the interim I am spending most of my time obsessing about the mail.  When will it get here? Will the paper be delivered today? Should I check? Should I check again?  Should I sit in the driveway and wait?  Should I check again. Even though I looked 20 minutes ago and there has been zero activity on the street since then. (By the way, the answer is yes, of course I should check again).

Fun right?

When I'm not obsessing over the mail I obsess about the calendar, which is even more awesome.  My inner monologue goes something like this...

If the paper gets here today do I have enough time to get it Notarized, Certified, and drive to Atlanta by 4:30?

If YES, then can I make it back home in time to overnight it to the consulate in Texas by A?

If NO, then it won't get to Texas until B.

If it gets to Texas by A, then I should have it back by C.  If it gets to Texas by B then I should have it back by D.

If I get it back by C then it can be overnighted to my agency by E, but if I don't get it until D then it will be at the agency by F.

My agency only sends to China on Friday so depending on what day of the week E or F lands on it will either go THIS Friday or THAT Friday.

If it goes to China on THIS Friday then I might get a LID of G, but if it goes to China on THAT Friday then my LID might be H.

If my LID is G then my LOA could be J, but if my LID is H then my LOA could be K.

If my LOA is J then...

And it goes on.  Through every step and paper and average wait time all the way through my imagined Gotcha Day.

And then I check the mail (again) and the paper is not there and I start counting again.

And even though I know that each day the paper doesn't arrive only pushes me back 1 day (or 2 if its the weekend) I start over.

EVERY. DAMN. TIME.

It is exhausting.  Mentally, emotionally, just exhausting . But when I try to sleep at night I just can't.  I read until I can't keep my eyes open, I play games on the ipad, I watch way too much TV.  I stay up until I am certain that I will immediately fall into a deep and dreamless sleep.

But my head hits the pillow

My mind starts racing

I start counting

How many days since I first saw his picture?

How many days until I get to hold him?

How many days until his birthday?

How long will I have him home before he has lived with me longer than he lived in the orphanage?

How many...

How many...

How many...

Logically I know that it will happen.  Financially I know that each day and month I wait is another month to save money.  Faithfully I know that He has a plan for me.

But math is hard.

And I'm tired of counting.

Choices

I generally get one of two reactions when I tell people that I am adopting.

Reaction One usually involves smiles, congrats, and (in many cases) squealing and wiping away happy tears when I show off Jonah's picture (my boy is cute y'all).

Reaction Two is often a quick glance at my ring finger to see if I'm married.  A slight pause.  And then (usually) the appropriate smiles, congrats, and squeals of excitement.

But then there was yesterday. Yesterday I got a reaction I've never had before.  It went a little something like this...

Other Person:  "Is there anything new happening in your life?"

Me:  "Yes, actually, I'm adopting a little boy from China."

Other Person:  searching for a wedding ring that isn't there and asking:  "Are you married"

Me:  "No"

Other Person:  "What's wrong with you"

(end scene)

My initial reaction was stunned silence, and I really, really wanted to say something obnoxious, and sarcastic, and just plain mean, back to this other person, what I said was "I don't know". 

Then I went home and imagined exactly what I would have said if I had a little bit more chutzpah and a little less class.

But seriously, this motherhood, this single motherhood, is something that I am choosing.  It's not a second thought, not a reaction to a biological clock, not a desperate cry for attention, and not a result of a relationship that didn't work out.  I'm not wearing rose-tinted glasses.  I don't imagine that it's going to be easy.  But it is a choice. A good choice.  My choice. 

Being a mother is the only thing that I ever knew for sure that I wanted.  Growing up I didn't know what kind of job I wanted (still don't for that matter).  I didn't know where I wanted to live.  I didn't know what type of car I wanted to drive or what type of house I wanted to live in.  What I did know, with absolute certainty, is that I wanted to be a mom.

That I was born to be a mom.

That I was going to be a kick-ass mom.

And no, I'm not married.  And yes, lots of people think that's a bad thing.  But I'm okay with that.  And I'm okay with letting others think that.  Because I'm about to make all of my dreams come true. 

And as for you, Other Person.  Well, you can suck it. 

(what can I say, class is overrated)

Ipad Mini Raffle

My big fundraiser for my adoption is a raffle.  I have a brand new ipad mini to raffle off to one lucky winner. I am hoping to raise a total of $8,000 through this raffle, a number which can absolutely be reached! 

Tickets are $10 each or 3 for $25.  You can purchase through paypal by clicking the donate button on the right. I also have tickets I can mail out, or deliver in person, if you prefer to do things the old fashioned way!

For those of you wondering how you can help, here's your chance, I have packets of tickets for anyone interested in helping to sell. 

The drawing for the Ipad will be on June 2nd at my church and you do not have to be present to win.  I will deliver the ipad, or get it in the mail, to the winner on June 3rd. 

I am so excited about this journey to motherhood and hope you will consider buying a ticket.

Thanks so much!

Jesse (and Jonah)

Fundraising

The idea of fundraising for an adoption can be a controversial topic.  There are people who love it, people who hate it, and both groups are liable to give their opinion whether you want to hear it or not.

People who hate it argue that adopting is the same as giving birth and you don't see any pregnant woman out there fundraising for their impending delivery.  Some people think that the idea of fundraising is in poor taste and that you shouldn't even be thinking about adopting if you can't afford it, and anyway you should just work for it you lazy bastard (okay that last part might be a bit off)

But the truth of the matter is that adoption is not the same as giving birth.  And, aside from a few lucky individuals who have the means to pay for adoptions outright (I'm looking at you Brangelina), the average family does have to scrimp and save and apply for loans or grants, and fund raise, to make their adoption dreams come true.

Not having given birth myself I can't be sure, but I am fairly certain that the average pregnant woman doesn't have to walk into the delivery room with thousands of dollars in cash (new bills only please) to pass out to each person assisting in the birth.  Likewise, the average pregnant woman doesn't have to pay for flights, and hotels, and travel expenses to the hospital.  There are no immigration papers to file, fingerprints to be had (over, and over, and over), no translation fees, no courier fees, no agency, fees.  

Adoption is just expensive.  Stinking expensive.

I am a public school teacher, a profession not known for large salaries (I do it for the kids y'all...also, summer vacation).  I also work a part time job, have picked up two different summer teaching positions, have painted rooms, watched dogs, and picked up people's mail when they are out of town.  I am not afraid to work, and work hard to make money.  But all that still isn't enough.  As such I have been, and will be fundraising for my adoption.  Not because I want a free handout, not because I don't want to work hard, but because that's what I have to do to bring my son home.

Because I'm a mom.  And there is nothing I wouldn't do for that little boy.

Up and Down

The past few weeks have been filled with such a wave of emotions that I feel kind of like I'm riding an insane roller coaster that is simultaneously shoving joy and fear down my throat and I just have to hang on and try not to vomit.  It's like the adoption equivalent of gestational diabetes.  You know it will stop when you get to bring your child home, but are stuck dealing with it in the mean time.  And every adoptive parent I know has felt this so it's not a unique experience, just a new one.  I feel like I go from zero to SUPER emotional in less then 60 seconds.

I got PA  (happy happy day)

Home study trucking along (Woohoo! Life is great!)


FBI prints still not here  (WTH)

Home study not quite finished (annoyed, annoyed, annoyed)

Home study can be finished this week  (Woohoo! What was I thinking?  Life is amazing!)

Prints still not here (depths of despair)

And I know it will go on, and on, and on right up until Gotcha Day and there is NOTHING I can do about it. In fact, it is only going to get worse.  As a control freak I find this disconcerting.  As someone who loves my friends and family I'd like to apologize in advance for any wild mood swings  that occur over the next 7-9 months.  I'd over compensate for it with comfort food but I have to fit comfortably into an airplane seat in the Fall so please feel free to tell me to go away until then.

There is a lot of fear that goes along with adopting.  I worry about paperwork getting lost. I worry about attachment (a LOT).  I worry about money.  I worry about getting everything done in time.  I worry about money.  I worry about how he will react on Gotcha day.  I worry that he will freak out and I won't be able to comfort him (which is a real possibility).  I worry about money.  I worry about what his room should look like.  I worry about bringing him clothes that fit (like he'll care).  I worry about natural disasters or Avian Flu delaying the process. I worry about whether or not he will like me.  I worry about accidentally drinking unboiled water during travel and having to use a squatty potty.  And I worry about money.

That's a lot to worry about. 

It's exhausting.

So when it gets to be too much.  I step away.  I watch a 2 minute video of my little guy running and bouncing and smiling and laughing.  And I remember to breathe. 

To China With Love

The journey to adoption is never an easy one and mine has been longer, and more complicated, than some. I started about three years ago when I was sure that I was destined to adopt internationally.  I looked at multiple country programs and nearly followed through with one, but I always had reservations.  Some small part of me that was unsure of my decision.  I finally decided that my hesitation came from my program of choice.  After all, my desire to be a mother has never wavered, but I often pictured myself with an infant and in the international adoption world infant placements are not common.  Added to that the fact that I would be adopting as a single mother,  I was pretty much guaranteed to adopt an older child.

Knowing all of that I decided to enter the world of Domestic adoption.  I completed all the paperwork  and made my profile book and sent it all of in hopes that a birth mother would see it and pick me....

No one ever did.  It sucked.  A lot.  And every time my profile was shown I would tell myself not to get my hopes up (but I did), and not to think about the child (but I did), and not to dream about the child (but I did).

And every time I was rejected I told myself not to take it personally....but I did.  Oh, I did.  And I would begin to analyze every picture and word in my profile.  And my self-esteem, well it took a flying leap off of the Empire State Building and smeared itself all over the intersection of 5th Avenue and 34th Street.  Because those profiles are personal, very, very personal so rejecting it meant rejecting me.  There was something they saw in it that made them say no.  Was it my clothes, or weight, or hair, or house?  I don't know but for two years I watched friends have children and I still didnt and so I was finished.  I have this theory that the female psyche can only handle a finite amount of rejection over the course of a lifetime and I had reached mine.

But then my niece turned six, which is significant only in that it opened the doors to China for me as a single woman.  And my thoughts turned to Chinese orphanages and little kids with my nieces dark hair and almond eyes.  But I didn't say anything.  To anyone.  For months.  Until the beginning of a New Year, and I felt ready to start a new journey.  So I started back down the paperwork trail.  I started looking for grants to apply for and fundraisers to start.

And I started looking at files.  Files of little boys with special needs that didn't seem all that special to me.  And one Tuesday night, at 11:30pm, my sister texted me from her bedroom downstairs to tell me there were new kids on my agencys list.  And just like that.  With the click of a button and a few taps on the ipad I fell straight into the eyes of this boy.

And suddenly it all seemed worth it.

Dreamweaver

I had a dream last night that Jack Donaghy gave me 

11 MILLION DOLLARS

It was for unspecified reasons (although I’m sure it was all completely aboveboard and not at all shady).  He gave it to me in increments of 50,000 cash, enclosed in 99 cent pencil cases from Target (okay that part was kind of shady).  Clearly one of two things must be true.

Thing 1: I am about to receive a gift of 11 million dollars from the fictional head of GE television and microwave programming

Thing 2: I watch entirely too much television

I’m going to go with Thing 1 because in that scenario I also get to meet Tina Fey (also, I'd have 11 MILLION DOLLARS).   I’ve totally been practicing how to act so I don’t just try to smell and hug her like when Liz Lemon met Oprah (“Liz Leeeemmmmmooooooonnnnnnnn”).  In my head I mostly just laugh like a lunatic at everything she says. It's weird how even in my head I act like an idiot around famous people. 

Did I mention that I might watch too much television?

In other news, it’s been over a week since I’ve seen either Mad-Eye Moody or Lolita, so they have either been foiled in their attempt to eat our cat food by our cleverness (aka moving the chair so they can’t get on the table), or they are off making a slew of tiny, ugly babies.  And I swear to you if they roll up in a multicolored bus singing Come On Get Happy I am moving...somewhere (without opossums)

The Niece, The Myth, The Legend

My niece is many things.

She is five. She is OBSESSED with horses (seriously, yesterday she wore her riding helmet all day and "rode" her plastic horses around). She is both incredibly excited and incredibly nervous about starting Kindergarten next week. She is freakishly tall for her age. 

But above all those things she is...

Naturally Skinny

This is a condition that I had previously believed only existed in Mary Higgins Clark novels (naturally skinny heroines always wear trousers and do their hair in chignons).  It is not a condition I am personally familiar with.  In fact, until she came into our lives as a very bald, very serious, and very tall 10 months old I didn't believe that naturally skinny people actually existed.

It seemed a myth. Like Bigfoot, or Yeti, or people who found Michal Bolton attractive.

Imagine my surprise when I first encountered her saying "I'm full" half-way though an ice cream cone.  Seriously?  Who stops eating an ice cream cone? 

Naturally Skinny People...that's who.

Today my sister and I had to go to Target to exchange a skirt for her because the size Small that my mom bought her was too big.  And not a little too big, it was HUGE on her.

So we had to get an Extra Small.

The last Extra Small item I bought was the mini blizzard at Dairy Queen....

don't judge me

A Tale of Two Opossums

Here we are on Wednesday night and I was just thinking how awesome it is that I haven't seen Mad-Eye Moody since his second appearance on Friday, when I wander over to let the dog out and

OHMYGODTHEREISADIFFERENTOPOSSUMONTHEPORCHAREYOUFREAKINGKIDDINGME

That's me, screaming to myself, because I'm home alone being besieged by opossums.

Translated this means: "Well oh my, it appears that there a opossum on the porch and dear me it is definitely NOT my nemesis Mad-Eye Moody"

Are you impressed that I can tell opossums apart?

Well I can and here is my slightly grainy iPhone camera proof!  You'll have to pardon the shakiness of the the photos but the rush of adrenaline at the site of a opossum leaves me unable to hold my phone steady (and probably with the strength to lift a car above my head but since the cars were outside I clearly couldn't test this theory out)

First up Mad-Eye Moody. (notice how extra huge and creepy he is) 

Enter the new opossum (I'm gonna have to assume that she is his Lady Love)

 

She is way smaller, and has two working eyes. If my sister were home she would come up with a clever name for her. I don't have time for that because I have to go teach the dog to pee in the toilet since there is a ZERO percent chance that I'm opening the door to let him out! Then I have to go hide.

Did I mention that I'm home alone?

Also I'm afraid my now public disregard for nature is really going have a negative impact on the chances of me marrying Cowboy Josh....bummer

And since moving doesn't seem like a valid option I have decided I need to go to bed earlier thus limiting my chance of seeing a romantic tryst between Mad-Eye and his Lady Love. 

Ignorance is bliss people

(but if any sweet opossum lovin' starts happening I am so out of here)

Mad-Eye Moody

 Picture the scene:  It’s Thursday night in mid-summer.  The heat has been incredible all day and by midnight my sister and I are being our usual awesome selves.  You know, sitting on our asses watching Downton Abbey and imagining ourselves on the show (side note why do I always picture myself as an Anna rather than Lady Mary?)  Anyway the dog had been whining at the door since the last time Lady Mary and Matthew gazed at each other longingly across a room so I hauled myself off the couch to let him out.  I snapped on the light and was just about to open the door when a shriek emitted from my sisters mouth, the likes of which I hadn’t heard before.  It sounded something like this

“OHMYGODDON’TLETHIMOUTTHEREISANOPOSSUMOUTTHERE”

Translated this means: Hey Jesse, don’t be alarmed but there is an opossum outside so don’t let the dog out unless you want him to be attacked.

Yep, GIANT opossum sitting on the table outside the window chowing down on the cat food we keep out there.

But this wasn’t just any opossum, this was a HUGE, ugly, freakish opossum with one little beady black eye and one dead eye. 

Noelle promptly named him Mad-Eye  Moody (which I initially refused to call him but have since come to accept)

In our sisterly relationship Noelle is in charge of all things related to nature (bugs, spiders, reptiles, rodents, pigs, etc) so she was in charge of scaring the thing away since clearly I wasn’t going to step foot on the porch.   But as she walked over to the door she suddenly recalled a news story she had read earlier that day about 2 girls in Tennessee (or Kentucky, or West Virginia…it was definitely in one of the states) who were attacked by a rabid beaver earlier in the week (seriously Google it, it happened).  Anyway as she recalls this story she turns to me and says “what if it has rabies and runs inside when I open the door?”

Such a helpful statement don’t you think?

After some quiet shrieking on my part (it would do no good to wake my niece) I cowered behind the couch as she opened the door (an inch) and slammed it shut repeatedly to drive Mad-Eye away.

After a much needed Facebook status update I went to bed.

The next night…he was back.

Stupid opossum. 

Stupid MALE opossum.

With big hairy opossum balls that have touched my table, and chair, and deck.

We need to move

ASAP

Screw you 2011 I want my flying car!

Looking back on all these retrospectives of 2011 I can't help but gag a little whenever I see some glowing post about how fantastically awesome 2011 has been.

"OMG it's the best year ever"

"2011 has been a year of amazements"

"this has been the best year of my life"

Really? Because I have to say that 2011 has been a year of disappointments. Do you what I drive? A Toyota. It's a regular car that drives on a regular road. Seriously, how boring is that? It doesn't fly, or transform, or talk to me. It just sucks gas and drives.

And do you know how I get from pace to place (when I'm not driving my boring car) I walk. No jet pack, not even a hover board. Seriously, I'm willing to start wearing high tops if it means I get a hover board.

So I ask you 2011, where is my personal robot like Rosie from the Jetsons? Shouldn't she be waking me up in the morning with coffee and breakfast? Shouldn't she be making my bed and brushing my teeth and basically turning me into the laziest person EVER (side bar: why weren't the Jetsons fatter). Where is my spaceship? Where is my machine that magically cooks anything I want with the touch of a button in under 60 seconds? And for the love of Pete where is my flying car?

I mean sure, I'm typing this on my iPad while listening to my iPod and answering email on my phone...but really 2011 I expected more from you.

The Rejection Game

Do you remember middle school gym class and how horrifying it was when two of the super athletic cool kids were chosen as team captains and the rest of the class lined up waiting to be picked?

This, as you can well imagine, never ended well for me.  I was neither popular, or athletic.  What I was, was short...very short.  I was once compared to a wind-up toy.

For this reason I never much cared for gym, and never took it past those dreaded middle school years (in my high school the marching band counted as PE credit...told you I wasn't popular).

I like to think that those middle school gym classes were the beginning of my fear of rejection.  And lets face it, no one really likes being rejected.  We strive to fit it, to be part of a crowd, to be accepted by those around us.  It's the reason why people dress, and act, and talk, the way they do.  And lets not pretend like you don't do it too.  Everyone wants acceptance.

I'm not saying its a bad thing to want to be accepted.  I'm saying that it sucks to be rejected.

The adoption process, at least in my personal experience, is a study in rejection.  You spend months getting paperwork together; with background checks, and fingerprints (multiple times which, come on, is stupid), and social work visits, and interviews.  Your friends and family write letters of recommendation.  You create a self-absorbed (on purpose) scrapbook all about how fantastically awesome you are.  And FINALLY you submit everything to the agency and you wait...

and wait...

and wait...

And while each adoption journey, domestic or international, has it's own particular struggles, the wait is universal. And it doesn't matter if you wait 4 months for a birth mother to choose you in a domestic situation, or 36 months to get your match from China, the waiting (while it lasts), seems endless.

In my particular case the wait (9 months and counting) is interrupted with these intense moments of hope.  When I match the criteria a birth mother is looking for, and my profile is shown.  Let me assure you that the wait, during those moments, is worse then endless.  And when the hope dies, I'm still waiting, the short, unpopular kid in gym class, standing on the sidelines while everyone else plays.

It sucks...a lot.

And it's happened five times. 

And I really don't want it to happen a 6th.

A girl can only be rejected so many times before she starts to think...maybe it's her.

(also, gym teachers, I really hope you don't let the cool kids pick teams anymore...just sayin)

Envy

I often find my self suffering from blog envy or, more specifically, envy of the crafty-antiquey-bakey-homemadey stuff I see in blogs.

You see in my mind I am that girl, the one who crafts, and writes, and reads, and L.I.V.E.S. everyday like life is some sort of carnival and I'm queen of the parade.

And I like to craft, and antique, and bake (ok that's a lie, unless you count the cookies that you just break apart and set on the cookie sheet because I can bake the shit out of those), and do homemade things.

But.....

I'm inherently lazy.  I mean there are lots of things I like to do (in theory).  Things like knit, and open an etsy shop, and find a job I can do from home AND make enough money to pay the bills, and run.

But...my hands hurt when I try to knit.

Etsy already has ten thousand of any idea I've ever had (and they are all way cuter than anything I could make).

I was an English Major, which means that my second degree gave me the skills I needed to get a job, but somehow teaching from my living room isn't shaping up to be that million dollar work-from-home idea.

The idea of shopping for a sports bra hardy enough to reign in the girls is too overwhelming for words.

So until then I'll continue to read blogs and drool over the craft rooms, and gorgeously wrapped presents, and lovely re-purposed furniture that someone just happened to find in an old barn.  And I'll work on small projects and dream of the day when my niece won't need a play room and I can turn  it into a crafting mecca....

Classy is my middle name

There is, in my town, a gated community.  A very nice gated community. With guards, and "estates."  It holds the type of houses where I imagine that people dress for dinner.  The kind of places where the pool house out back is bigger than my first apartment.  The kind of neighborhood where the Gilmore's would live (Richard and Emily obviously...Lorelai wouldn't be caught dead there) It's one of those neighborhoods that get made fun of for being snotty and stuck up (and let's be honest....parts of it probably are).

But I have friends that live in the (still very nice) but un-snotty part of the neighborhood.  And when I visit them, as I often do, I am usually conscious of the bevy of (very nice) cars going by me in the residents lane while I idle in the visitors lane waiting for another lawn-care truck to get waved through by the guard of the hour.

And often as I sit, I become aware of the fact that my car is old, and dirty, and has a pile of discarded Starbucks cups and empty diet coke cans on the floor of the backseat. And I wonder if the guard is secretly judging me for not living up to the Gated Community standards.

Still I don't spend a lot of time worrying about it (time that could be better used playing reruns of  the Gilmore Girls in my head).  And, since I'm generally such a classy person, I feel fairly certain that I belong in that particular neighborhood (or at least my friends house).

But then on Friday, I pulled up to the gate around 8:00pm to let the dog out and check the mail, already in my pajamas (sans bra), missing one hubcap, with a piece of pie on a paper plate on the passenger seat and a Styrofoam cup full of cool whip in the cup holder I thought..."way to keep it classy Keener"

And also,  this place may be a bit out of my league (I'm way more Lorelai than Emily anyway)